Why Men are Happier

Written by Father Bill 3 Comments

Well, on the Fourth of July, I’ve had fun with family and friends.  I have also figured out how to solve a problem with a tiling project in the kitchen.  And, I have not had time or attention to post another blog.  But in the closing minutes of this holiday, I opened an email from Dad (who’s escaping Texas rain in parched Arizona) to find a bit of spam which I’m actually going to share with you in a moment.

First, in the spirit of this holiday, I salute our nation’s armed forces in Iraq.  The photo below is my friend of 37 years, retired from the United States Army, recalled to active duty 12 years later, and now serving American interests in Iraq.  He is sitting on one of Saddam’s thrones, located in one of Saddam’s palaces, which now contains the offices of various military organizations, missions, and departments.  Col. Mike tells me that this is one of the most photographed thrones in the world, and it is also one on which more soldiers have sat than any throne which ever existed.

Yet another American soldier sitting on Saddam’s throne.

Col. Mike looks happy, and so this photograph serves well for the bit of spam Dad sent me, written by a woman, who is explaining why (according to her lights) men are happier.  Happier than women, of course.  Here’s how she explains it:

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.  You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.    

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Graying hair adds attraction.  Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.  You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife, or your teeth. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 Can it possibly be true that this explains the rise of feminism in the middle of the 20th Century?

 Nawwww.  Too easy, that.


3 Comments

  1. Kamilla   |  Thursday, 05 July 2007 at 2:46 pm

    Oh, I dunno Fr. Bill, I think it explains a lot but she did get a few things wrong – I’ll enumerate them for the simple folk. . . . . .

    1) Driving to another gast station because this one is too icky? Sister, all toilet seats are icky, germs are microscopic, woman, get over yourself and learn to squat.

    2) My shoes don’t cut or blister because I buy ones which FIT PROPERLY, not ones which will impress the sisterhood or some weak-minded male who actually prefers to look at my chest when I’m talking anyway. And, if men are doing this, honey, you need to think about the sort of neckline you’re wearing.

    3) A two-week vacation requires only one suitcase. It’s called learning how to coordinate the wardrobe and learning how to pack using space efficiently.

    4) Wrinkles in your clothes? I can solve that problem in one word – linen.

    5) My hair style should last me the rest of my life – long.

    Oh, and she did get the moustache thing right.

    Kamilla (hoping this doesn’t make me sound too unwomanly)

  2. Leigh Ann   |  Tuesday, 10 July 2007 at 8:10 am

    Too funny. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Michael McMillan   |  Thursday, 26 July 2007 at 7:54 am

    > And, if men are doing this, honey, you need to think about the sort of neckline you’re wearing.

    That, or not wear a top with writing emblazoned across it. Too many chests these days say “Read me!” (Rears, too.)

    > 5) My hair style should last me the rest of my life – long.

    Amen, Kamilla!

    > You almost never have strap problems in public.

    That’s easily fixable — don’t wear sleeveless, shrunk tops, or ones with big neck holes or both. Of course string straps are out. Duh. This is so simple, I figured women *like* fiddling with their straps in public, otherwise they’d remedy the situation. Now the style is to purposely show off their support straps. (But we’re supposed to not look at whatever is purposely being highlighted!)

    –Michael

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